I realised it’s been over a year since I wrote anything on here. I have wanted to because a lot has happened, I just haven’t been able to find the words to share or I haven’t felt like it mattered in the grand scheme of things. I do want to share things with you guys more often though, but I’m not in a place to make any promises. I don’t want this to be any sort of life update post, but I’ve had some thoughts some of you may be able to relate to.
Over the past couple of months or so, I’ve been feeling pretty good. I’ve been feeling as close to normal as I think I can get, which has been great for me. I feel it’s given me a taste of how life “should” be and it’s given me hope that maybe I really can get better one day. However, a positive thought rarely comes alone in my head. It usually has a tail in the form of a negative question mark. What if, what if, what if….. So naturally, this time is no different.
The one thought which has been looming in the back of my head for a little while now is “am I making this all up? what if I’m not really sick after all? what if I’m just imagining the effect the meds have on me?” but I’ve mostly managed to let it pass like a cloud and not pay too much attention to it and go about my day and not let it bother me. Sounds good, yeah? As we all know though, nothing lasts forever – good or bad. A day or two ago, the dark cloud that is so often used to illustrate depression, started making an appearance again, and my first reaction was one of gratitude, strange as it may sound. Because when you’ve been living in a bubble of normality for a while, you start believing that your normal is the same as that of people who don’t have to deal with the same issues you do, but as we go along in life, of course, we learn that everyone has their own battles to fight. This is great for some time, until you realise that it’s not the version of “normal” you’ve come to know.
– But why would I be grateful to feel depressed? you may ask.
I was grateful because to me, that meant I wasn’t making it all up, that the meds have actually been working for me, and that I really do have battles left to fight. For this very reason, I also felt a sting of relief. I’ve mentioned before that I’m grateful for the person my illness has turned me into, and I stand by that. I believe it makes me more open to other people’s views, more empathetic, accepting and understanding, as well as more appreciative of the little things in life that we so often take for granted. This has also been a huge contributing factor in my journey to self-acceptance as well, which I think is one of the most important journeys we take in this life.
My next move will have to be to figure out a plan of action to deal with this, because despite my experience with anxiety and depression, I don’t have all the answers. I still have a lot to learn, and I’ll do my best to let you all know when I do figure out how to tackle this particular episode.
Until then – take care, stay strong. Whatever you’re dealing with, you’ve got this, and you’re not alone. x